Do you ever wonder why we take it upon ourselves to stand in a place and judge someone else? Whether by what they're wearing, the way they smell, or even what comes out of their mouths. We all do it, whether or not we'll own up to it. I know I do it...I look at someone and deem within a few seconds or minutes of first meeting them whether or not they're "good enough" to talk to...Is that horrible or what? I want to change this part of me...I want to see people like God sees them. I want to look at the hurts inside their hearts and see what the Lord sees when He looks at them. They are His child just like I am -- what gives me the right to be their judge and jury? Yes, I believe common sense and wisdom do come into play and you have to be ever mindful of both, but still...
Ok, I've rambled enough for now...I'll post a longer blog later...I'm sure...
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, October 31, 2008
Changes and those thoughts that come with it...
I've been thinking...I know everyone be scared...but seriously...I've had a jumble of thought inside my head for awhile now and wonder if they'll all ever come out in some orderly form or fashion or not at all. I've been hurt this past couple of weeks...I've been angry...I've been frustrated...I've been lonely and longing for different. Some days, it's more emphasized than others...Some days, it hides behind a facade and creeps out when things get still.
My heart is hurting right now for a man that I care about deeply. He and I have known each other since he was an 8th grader and I was a sophomore in high school. He has changed over the last nine months or so, almost to the point of me not feeling like I know him anymore. As his paradigms have shifted, so have mine. Let me explain, I don't claim to understand what's going on, but something is. Something or maybe someone is pulling us tighter together. I'm proud of him and the man that he's become and the man he's continuing to become. I can't wait to see what his future holds. It may not hold anything for the two of us together, but at least I got to see the beginnings. The beginning is a great place to start...
Just like the fall leaves outside, my heart is changing...I can't explain. Nor do I want to try...I just know that down deep in my soul, I'm different. I'm different than I was a year ago at this time. I'm different than I was five years ago at this time. I'm exceptionally different than I was 10 years ago. There are days I look back to the past and wonder what I'll become in the future. There are days I look back to the past and wonder what happened to the person I once was. Time has changed me. I've either chosen to come along for the ride or stick behind and whine that the future is leaving me behind.
I'm excited for all the changes that have taken place in my life. I'm excited for those friends that He's brought back into my life and those He's taken out. I'm who I am today because of every one of them. I'm excited for the future. I haven't said that in so long. I can't remember the last time I did say that. For the most part, I'm content in who I am. I am Christi Taylor. I'm a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. That makes me royalty...I just need to start acting more like royalty. I take for granted my place at His table. I take for granted the things of God because I believe they'll always be there. I've got to stop...He's set me apart for something different. He's set me apart for something outside of myself. I'm called to the nations -- I've only had a little taste of what He wants me to become. I've only shared a little of my talents and abilities. I will share more. Whether or not, I live out my days like I want to or the way He wants me to, I want to hear at the end of my life, "Well done, my good and faithful servant, Christi..." I want to hear those words come out of my Father on the day I stand before Him on Judgement Day. I'm homesick...not for someplace here on earth, but my heavenly home.
I'm homesick...I want to see my dad, my grandma, my grandpa's, my aunts and uncles and cousins, friends that have gone before. I want to see my Jesus -- face to face...I want to place my hand inside of His and feel the nail scars that He took just for me. I'm homesick today for a place that's yet to come. I'm homesick for those saints that have gone before. Those that we see as big shots and that really made an impact in their small corner of the world that no longer looks so small. I'm homesick...
No, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or drive stupidly so I can get killed in accident, but I am saying...I'm homesick. I can't wait to worship my Jesus for all eternity. I can't wait to see faces of Sunday school teachers and others that have gone before. I want to see my Jesus and God, our Father...I can't wait...I want as many people to go with me as I can get...
*le Sigh* I guess I'll just have to wait...It's the pits!!! I hate to wait...I didn't pray for patience, but I know I'm needed here on earth more. I want to impact my little corner of the earth in my own way. I'm working on it...I'm excited about it...I'm content where I'm at...I'm right where I'm supposed to be...In my office in my home in a city in a state in a nation where freedom rings...I'm content to change my corner of the world...I dare you...Ask God to change your heart...Ask God what He desires for you...and then go after it with all you have within you...
My heart is hurting right now for a man that I care about deeply. He and I have known each other since he was an 8th grader and I was a sophomore in high school. He has changed over the last nine months or so, almost to the point of me not feeling like I know him anymore. As his paradigms have shifted, so have mine. Let me explain, I don't claim to understand what's going on, but something is. Something or maybe someone is pulling us tighter together. I'm proud of him and the man that he's become and the man he's continuing to become. I can't wait to see what his future holds. It may not hold anything for the two of us together, but at least I got to see the beginnings. The beginning is a great place to start...
Just like the fall leaves outside, my heart is changing...I can't explain. Nor do I want to try...I just know that down deep in my soul, I'm different. I'm different than I was a year ago at this time. I'm different than I was five years ago at this time. I'm exceptionally different than I was 10 years ago. There are days I look back to the past and wonder what I'll become in the future. There are days I look back to the past and wonder what happened to the person I once was. Time has changed me. I've either chosen to come along for the ride or stick behind and whine that the future is leaving me behind.
I'm excited for all the changes that have taken place in my life. I'm excited for those friends that He's brought back into my life and those He's taken out. I'm who I am today because of every one of them. I'm excited for the future. I haven't said that in so long. I can't remember the last time I did say that. For the most part, I'm content in who I am. I am Christi Taylor. I'm a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. That makes me royalty...I just need to start acting more like royalty. I take for granted my place at His table. I take for granted the things of God because I believe they'll always be there. I've got to stop...He's set me apart for something different. He's set me apart for something outside of myself. I'm called to the nations -- I've only had a little taste of what He wants me to become. I've only shared a little of my talents and abilities. I will share more. Whether or not, I live out my days like I want to or the way He wants me to, I want to hear at the end of my life, "Well done, my good and faithful servant, Christi..." I want to hear those words come out of my Father on the day I stand before Him on Judgement Day. I'm homesick...not for someplace here on earth, but my heavenly home.
I'm homesick...I want to see my dad, my grandma, my grandpa's, my aunts and uncles and cousins, friends that have gone before. I want to see my Jesus -- face to face...I want to place my hand inside of His and feel the nail scars that He took just for me. I'm homesick today for a place that's yet to come. I'm homesick for those saints that have gone before. Those that we see as big shots and that really made an impact in their small corner of the world that no longer looks so small. I'm homesick...
No, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or drive stupidly so I can get killed in accident, but I am saying...I'm homesick. I can't wait to worship my Jesus for all eternity. I can't wait to see faces of Sunday school teachers and others that have gone before. I want to see my Jesus and God, our Father...I can't wait...I want as many people to go with me as I can get...
*le Sigh* I guess I'll just have to wait...It's the pits!!! I hate to wait...I didn't pray for patience, but I know I'm needed here on earth more. I want to impact my little corner of the earth in my own way. I'm working on it...I'm excited about it...I'm content where I'm at...I'm right where I'm supposed to be...In my office in my home in a city in a state in a nation where freedom rings...I'm content to change my corner of the world...I dare you...Ask God to change your heart...Ask God what He desires for you...and then go after it with all you have within you...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Where are you???
I've got to be honest...I'm having trouble believing God is really all those things that He says in His word that He is. I look at the circumstances in my life and wonder if good is really going to come of some things. He promises goodness, but I've wondered. He promises new life, but I guess I don't understand His meaning. I know all about the new life in Him, but when does His goodness come in?
You know, I see people in the world prospering more than His church does and it makes me wonder what we in the church have done wrong and done to deserve some of what has been put on us. Does it ever make you wonder why everyone else is prospering but you? I know friends that are working hard to get out of debt but because of circumstances they seem to fall even farther behind. I'm frustrated and I don't understand.
What good did God see in taking both my dad and my grandmother away from me? What good has come of that? Anyone want to give me a Sunday school answer to bandaid it again? What good has come of the fact that my mom has moved to Dallas and I'm still in Canyon, living in the house we once all lived in together? What good has come of the fact because WT screwed my mother over, she had to move away from a city and a church family she loved and loves still? Please if you think you can answer all of this...try too. I dare you...I'm hurt. I'm angry. I can hide it under a facade and pretend.
People don't understand how hard it's been for Mom and I...nor do most care. Most give you "I'm praying for you..." and go on about their business until they realize two weeks later that they told you they'd be praying for you and they haven't. Most don't realize that it's still tough -- almost two years later. Mom came home last weekend and it really bothered me. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed my time with her, but it still hurts that she's not here. I wish I could help her through this time. Most days I don't believe I do enough to help her.
When does enough become enough??? That's what I really want to know...I've been reading about Job in the Old Testament and I'm trying to hang on to what God did for him, but it's so hard when it doesn't appear that anything is changing in front of me. God is being good to everyone else, but me...I've gotten hard...I've gotten cynical...I know that...I don't see any way other than that to be. I don't have the child-like faith I once had where I believe that God is who He says He is and He'd do what He promised to do. I lost it somewhere...Probably in the hustle and bustle of life and the crazy times that have happened. I've lost faith in people I once trusted. I've lost the belief that they really care like they claim to. I don't trust as easily as I once did.
I miss that...My heart breaks for who and what I've become. I'm not proud of it...In fact, it sickens me to realize that I've lost the most important thing in this life to me...my faith...my belief in who God really is...my belief that He really does care about me no matter what and no matter what situation I face, He'll really be there. I no longer believe that He is good...I no longer believe that He keeps His promises...too much time has passed and too much water has come under the bridge for me to believe it.
I pray and I ask and I seek like the Bible says to, but I don't find Him. I don't see Him. He says he's there, but I have yet to see Him...I have yet to find Him...I don't believe that He really cares about me anymore. I'm angry...I'm frustrated...I believe He hears everyone else's prayers, but mine are hitting a brass ceiling and bouncing back to where I am.
I feel like a failure...I feel like I've missed the boat...I feel like He's not listening and that He doesn't really care...I am frustrated...I am angry...I am hurt...I'm sick of people getting their prayers answered and never seeing anything come of mine...
WHERE ARE YOU? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD BE THERE...YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...BUT WHERE WERE YOU WHEN DAD PASSED AWAY AND THEN WHEN MY GRANDMA PASSED AWAY? WHERE WERE YOU IN MEMPHIS? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I CAME HOME A FAILURE? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS LAST YEAR? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE MOM LEFT TO MOVE TO DALLAS? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU SAY YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YOU DON'T ANSWER PRAYERS...YOU DON'T ANSWER AT ALL...YOU STAY SILENT...YET, YOU EXPECT ME TO TRUST YOU...HOW CAN I TRUST YOU IF I DON'T BELIEVE YOU CARE? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WHEN I DON'T SEE ANYTHING CHANGE IN MY LIFE? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PROVEN YOURSELF TO ME? I WISH YOU'D TAKEN ME AND NOT DAD...I WISH I HAD DIED...AT LEAST, MOM WOULD STILL HAVE HIM...AT LEAST, SHE'D STILL HAVE HER FOREVER LOVE...WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM? WHY DIDN'T YOU HEAL HIM? YOUR WORD SAYS YOU DO AND YET, YOU DIDN'T...I DON'T UNDERSTAND...I DON'T GET WHY I DON'T GET ANSWERS...I WAS CLOSE TO YOU ONCE...IT SEEMS LIKE A LIFETIME AGO...A LIFETIME AGO...I WAS DIFFERENT...I WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON THEN...I WAS NOT AS CYNICAL AS I'VE BECOME. I MISS ME...I MISS THAT PERSON I WAS BEFORE...I MISS THE FAITH I ONCE HAD...I MISS THE BELIEF IN YOU I HAD...I MISS YOU...
You know, I see people in the world prospering more than His church does and it makes me wonder what we in the church have done wrong and done to deserve some of what has been put on us. Does it ever make you wonder why everyone else is prospering but you? I know friends that are working hard to get out of debt but because of circumstances they seem to fall even farther behind. I'm frustrated and I don't understand.
What good did God see in taking both my dad and my grandmother away from me? What good has come of that? Anyone want to give me a Sunday school answer to bandaid it again? What good has come of the fact that my mom has moved to Dallas and I'm still in Canyon, living in the house we once all lived in together? What good has come of the fact because WT screwed my mother over, she had to move away from a city and a church family she loved and loves still? Please if you think you can answer all of this...try too. I dare you...I'm hurt. I'm angry. I can hide it under a facade and pretend.
People don't understand how hard it's been for Mom and I...nor do most care. Most give you "I'm praying for you..." and go on about their business until they realize two weeks later that they told you they'd be praying for you and they haven't. Most don't realize that it's still tough -- almost two years later. Mom came home last weekend and it really bothered me. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed my time with her, but it still hurts that she's not here. I wish I could help her through this time. Most days I don't believe I do enough to help her.
When does enough become enough??? That's what I really want to know...I've been reading about Job in the Old Testament and I'm trying to hang on to what God did for him, but it's so hard when it doesn't appear that anything is changing in front of me. God is being good to everyone else, but me...I've gotten hard...I've gotten cynical...I know that...I don't see any way other than that to be. I don't have the child-like faith I once had where I believe that God is who He says He is and He'd do what He promised to do. I lost it somewhere...Probably in the hustle and bustle of life and the crazy times that have happened. I've lost faith in people I once trusted. I've lost the belief that they really care like they claim to. I don't trust as easily as I once did.
I miss that...My heart breaks for who and what I've become. I'm not proud of it...In fact, it sickens me to realize that I've lost the most important thing in this life to me...my faith...my belief in who God really is...my belief that He really does care about me no matter what and no matter what situation I face, He'll really be there. I no longer believe that He is good...I no longer believe that He keeps His promises...too much time has passed and too much water has come under the bridge for me to believe it.
I pray and I ask and I seek like the Bible says to, but I don't find Him. I don't see Him. He says he's there, but I have yet to see Him...I have yet to find Him...I don't believe that He really cares about me anymore. I'm angry...I'm frustrated...I believe He hears everyone else's prayers, but mine are hitting a brass ceiling and bouncing back to where I am.
I feel like a failure...I feel like I've missed the boat...I feel like He's not listening and that He doesn't really care...I am frustrated...I am angry...I am hurt...I'm sick of people getting their prayers answered and never seeing anything come of mine...
WHERE ARE YOU? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD BE THERE...YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...BUT WHERE WERE YOU WHEN DAD PASSED AWAY AND THEN WHEN MY GRANDMA PASSED AWAY? WHERE WERE YOU IN MEMPHIS? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I CAME HOME A FAILURE? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS LAST YEAR? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE MOM LEFT TO MOVE TO DALLAS? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU SAY YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YOU DON'T ANSWER PRAYERS...YOU DON'T ANSWER AT ALL...YOU STAY SILENT...YET, YOU EXPECT ME TO TRUST YOU...HOW CAN I TRUST YOU IF I DON'T BELIEVE YOU CARE? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WHEN I DON'T SEE ANYTHING CHANGE IN MY LIFE? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PROVEN YOURSELF TO ME? I WISH YOU'D TAKEN ME AND NOT DAD...I WISH I HAD DIED...AT LEAST, MOM WOULD STILL HAVE HIM...AT LEAST, SHE'D STILL HAVE HER FOREVER LOVE...WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM? WHY DIDN'T YOU HEAL HIM? YOUR WORD SAYS YOU DO AND YET, YOU DIDN'T...I DON'T UNDERSTAND...I DON'T GET WHY I DON'T GET ANSWERS...I WAS CLOSE TO YOU ONCE...IT SEEMS LIKE A LIFETIME AGO...A LIFETIME AGO...I WAS DIFFERENT...I WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON THEN...I WAS NOT AS CYNICAL AS I'VE BECOME. I MISS ME...I MISS THAT PERSON I WAS BEFORE...I MISS THE FAITH I ONCE HAD...I MISS THE BELIEF IN YOU I HAD...I MISS YOU...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Changes in my heart...
There have been so many changes in my life this year. It's so hard to take it all in...Many things have changed and yet at the same time many haven't changed. I look at my life in January and it's different than it used to be...I've changed as a person. I hope I've become better. In some ways, I've not changed at all.
Here's how I haven't changed at all:
1. I haven't moved anywhere like I wanted to...
2. I still live in the same house that I have since my folks and I moved to Canyon in 1987.
3. I drive the same car I've driven since 2005.
4. I still have some of the same friends that I've had for awhile -- Ben, Laura, Charlotte, Bryan, Brittany, Shook, Miranda, Kevin, Candace, Aaron and Betsy, Aaron B., Aaron and Bethany, Charity and Josh, Benji and Cody, Ben T., Heather, Jewell...some of those I'd dreamed that would never leave, have and others that I thought would, haven't...
5. I haven't changed my faith...It's gotten stronger!
6. I haven't changed churches. I've seriously considered it, but God hasn't allowed me to yet.
Here's how I have changed:
1. My heart has changed...
2. Mom has moved to Richardson and I'm living alone again.
3. Friends from church have changed -- not to say that I've left the old ones behind by any means, but I'm spending time that uplift me and I'm enjoying it.
4. I've become more of a homebody.
5. I've realized that I don't have to please everyone.
6. I'm no longer inside a box with people telling me who I can and who I can't be friends with.
7. I'm seeking out the truth by myself...
8. I have cut those that were a cancer to me out of my life and replaced them with people who will uplift and strengthen my walk with the Lord.
9. I'm working to get my weight down. I don't want to be like my grandparents or my dad.
10. I have some pretty amazing men in my life to show me what to look for in a husband.
11. I'm going back to school to get my Nursing degree. I'm getting my RN. I want to travel and then settle down and work for Hospice.
12. I'm excited for everything that's happening...
I can't wait to see what else is going to happen in my life...Changes are taking place in my friends and in their lives. Some are so intertwined with mine and yet some aren't. I'm so excited. God has been so good...I can honestly say -- God is and all is well...
Here's how I haven't changed at all:
1. I haven't moved anywhere like I wanted to...
2. I still live in the same house that I have since my folks and I moved to Canyon in 1987.
3. I drive the same car I've driven since 2005.
4. I still have some of the same friends that I've had for awhile -- Ben, Laura, Charlotte, Bryan, Brittany, Shook, Miranda, Kevin, Candace, Aaron and Betsy, Aaron B., Aaron and Bethany, Charity and Josh, Benji and Cody, Ben T., Heather, Jewell...some of those I'd dreamed that would never leave, have and others that I thought would, haven't...
5. I haven't changed my faith...It's gotten stronger!
6. I haven't changed churches. I've seriously considered it, but God hasn't allowed me to yet.
Here's how I have changed:
1. My heart has changed...
2. Mom has moved to Richardson and I'm living alone again.
3. Friends from church have changed -- not to say that I've left the old ones behind by any means, but I'm spending time that uplift me and I'm enjoying it.
4. I've become more of a homebody.
5. I've realized that I don't have to please everyone.
6. I'm no longer inside a box with people telling me who I can and who I can't be friends with.
7. I'm seeking out the truth by myself...
8. I have cut those that were a cancer to me out of my life and replaced them with people who will uplift and strengthen my walk with the Lord.
9. I'm working to get my weight down. I don't want to be like my grandparents or my dad.
10. I have some pretty amazing men in my life to show me what to look for in a husband.
11. I'm going back to school to get my Nursing degree. I'm getting my RN. I want to travel and then settle down and work for Hospice.
12. I'm excited for everything that's happening...
I can't wait to see what else is going to happen in my life...Changes are taking place in my friends and in their lives. Some are so intertwined with mine and yet some aren't. I'm so excited. God has been so good...I can honestly say -- God is and all is well...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
New Beginnings...
Here's to New Beginnings in new places...I have decided to post here instead of MySpace or Facebook or anywhere else. I will be sharing the things that God is teaching me, that I'm learning from others and just random thoughts in general from time to time. There may be days that I blog every day and there may be times that I go for weeks without blogging. Please stick with me...it's going to be an incredible ride...
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