I've been thinking...I know everyone be scared...but seriously...I've had a jumble of thought inside my head for awhile now and wonder if they'll all ever come out in some orderly form or fashion or not at all. I've been hurt this past couple of weeks...I've been angry...I've been frustrated...I've been lonely and longing for different. Some days, it's more emphasized than others...Some days, it hides behind a facade and creeps out when things get still.
My heart is hurting right now for a man that I care about deeply. He and I have known each other since he was an 8th grader and I was a sophomore in high school. He has changed over the last nine months or so, almost to the point of me not feeling like I know him anymore. As his paradigms have shifted, so have mine. Let me explain, I don't claim to understand what's going on, but something is. Something or maybe someone is pulling us tighter together. I'm proud of him and the man that he's become and the man he's continuing to become. I can't wait to see what his future holds. It may not hold anything for the two of us together, but at least I got to see the beginnings. The beginning is a great place to start...
Just like the fall leaves outside, my heart is changing...I can't explain. Nor do I want to try...I just know that down deep in my soul, I'm different. I'm different than I was a year ago at this time. I'm different than I was five years ago at this time. I'm exceptionally different than I was 10 years ago. There are days I look back to the past and wonder what I'll become in the future. There are days I look back to the past and wonder what happened to the person I once was. Time has changed me. I've either chosen to come along for the ride or stick behind and whine that the future is leaving me behind.
I'm excited for all the changes that have taken place in my life. I'm excited for those friends that He's brought back into my life and those He's taken out. I'm who I am today because of every one of them. I'm excited for the future. I haven't said that in so long. I can't remember the last time I did say that. For the most part, I'm content in who I am. I am Christi Taylor. I'm a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. That makes me royalty...I just need to start acting more like royalty. I take for granted my place at His table. I take for granted the things of God because I believe they'll always be there. I've got to stop...He's set me apart for something different. He's set me apart for something outside of myself. I'm called to the nations -- I've only had a little taste of what He wants me to become. I've only shared a little of my talents and abilities. I will share more. Whether or not, I live out my days like I want to or the way He wants me to, I want to hear at the end of my life, "Well done, my good and faithful servant, Christi..." I want to hear those words come out of my Father on the day I stand before Him on Judgement Day. I'm homesick...not for someplace here on earth, but my heavenly home.
I'm homesick...I want to see my dad, my grandma, my grandpa's, my aunts and uncles and cousins, friends that have gone before. I want to see my Jesus -- face to face...I want to place my hand inside of His and feel the nail scars that He took just for me. I'm homesick today for a place that's yet to come. I'm homesick for those saints that have gone before. Those that we see as big shots and that really made an impact in their small corner of the world that no longer looks so small. I'm homesick...
No, I'm not saying I'm going to kill myself or drive stupidly so I can get killed in accident, but I am saying...I'm homesick. I can't wait to worship my Jesus for all eternity. I can't wait to see faces of Sunday school teachers and others that have gone before. I want to see my Jesus and God, our Father...I can't wait...I want as many people to go with me as I can get...
*le Sigh* I guess I'll just have to wait...It's the pits!!! I hate to wait...I didn't pray for patience, but I know I'm needed here on earth more. I want to impact my little corner of the earth in my own way. I'm working on it...I'm excited about it...I'm content where I'm at...I'm right where I'm supposed to be...In my office in my home in a city in a state in a nation where freedom rings...I'm content to change my corner of the world...I dare you...Ask God to change your heart...Ask God what He desires for you...and then go after it with all you have within you...
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