Where are you???

I've got to be honest...I'm having trouble believing God is really all those things that He says in His word that He is. I look at the circumstances in my life and wonder if good is really going to come of some things. He promises goodness, but I've wondered. He promises new life, but I guess I don't understand His meaning. I know all about the new life in Him, but when does His goodness come in?

You know, I see people in the world prospering more than His church does and it makes me wonder what we in the church have done wrong and done to deserve some of what has been put on us. Does it ever make you wonder why everyone else is prospering but you? I know friends that are working hard to get out of debt but because of circumstances they seem to fall even farther behind. I'm frustrated and I don't understand.

What good did God see in taking both my dad and my grandmother away from me? What good has come of that? Anyone want to give me a Sunday school answer to bandaid it again? What good has come of the fact that my mom has moved to Dallas and I'm still in Canyon, living in the house we once all lived in together? What good has come of the fact because WT screwed my mother over, she had to move away from a city and a church family she loved and loves still? Please if you think you can answer all of this...try too. I dare you...I'm hurt. I'm angry. I can hide it under a facade and pretend.

People don't understand how hard it's been for Mom and I...nor do most care. Most give you "I'm praying for you..." and go on about their business until they realize two weeks later that they told you they'd be praying for you and they haven't. Most don't realize that it's still tough -- almost two years later. Mom came home last weekend and it really bothered me. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed my time with her, but it still hurts that she's not here. I wish I could help her through this time. Most days I don't believe I do enough to help her.

When does enough become enough??? That's what I really want to know...I've been reading about Job in the Old Testament and I'm trying to hang on to what God did for him, but it's so hard when it doesn't appear that anything is changing in front of me. God is being good to everyone else, but me...I've gotten hard...I've gotten cynical...I know that...I don't see any way other than that to be. I don't have the child-like faith I once had where I believe that God is who He says He is and He'd do what He promised to do. I lost it somewhere...Probably in the hustle and bustle of life and the crazy times that have happened. I've lost faith in people I once trusted. I've lost the belief that they really care like they claim to. I don't trust as easily as I once did.

I miss that...My heart breaks for who and what I've become. I'm not proud of it...In fact, it sickens me to realize that I've lost the most important thing in this life to me...my faith...my belief in who God really is...my belief that He really does care about me no matter what and no matter what situation I face, He'll really be there. I no longer believe that He is good...I no longer believe that He keeps His promises...too much time has passed and too much water has come under the bridge for me to believe it.

I pray and I ask and I seek like the Bible says to, but I don't find Him. I don't see Him. He says he's there, but I have yet to see Him...I have yet to find Him...I don't believe that He really cares about me anymore. I'm angry...I'm frustrated...I believe He hears everyone else's prayers, but mine are hitting a brass ceiling and bouncing back to where I am.

I feel like a failure...I feel like I've missed the boat...I feel like He's not listening and that He doesn't really care...I am frustrated...I am angry...I am hurt...I'm sick of people getting their prayers answered and never seeing anything come of mine...

WHERE ARE YOU? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD BE THERE...YOU PROMISED YOU'D NEVER LEAVE ME OR FORSAKE ME...BUT WHERE WERE YOU WHEN DAD PASSED AWAY AND THEN WHEN MY GRANDMA PASSED AWAY? WHERE WERE YOU IN MEMPHIS? WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I CAME HOME A FAILURE? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS LAST YEAR? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE MOM LEFT TO MOVE TO DALLAS? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU SAY YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YOU DON'T ANSWER PRAYERS...YOU DON'T ANSWER AT ALL...YOU STAY SILENT...YET, YOU EXPECT ME TO TRUST YOU...HOW CAN I TRUST YOU IF I DON'T BELIEVE YOU CARE? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WHEN I DON'T SEE ANYTHING CHANGE IN MY LIFE? HOW CAN I TRUST YOU WHEN YOU HAVEN'T PROVEN YOURSELF TO ME? I WISH YOU'D TAKEN ME AND NOT DAD...I WISH I HAD DIED...AT LEAST, MOM WOULD STILL HAVE HIM...AT LEAST, SHE'D STILL HAVE HER FOREVER LOVE...WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM? WHY DIDN'T YOU HEAL HIM? YOUR WORD SAYS YOU DO AND YET, YOU DIDN'T...I DON'T UNDERSTAND...I DON'T GET WHY I DON'T GET ANSWERS...I WAS CLOSE TO YOU ONCE...IT SEEMS LIKE A LIFETIME AGO...A LIFETIME AGO...I WAS DIFFERENT...I WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON THEN...I WAS NOT AS CYNICAL AS I'VE BECOME. I MISS ME...I MISS THAT PERSON I WAS BEFORE...I MISS THE FAITH I ONCE HAD...I MISS THE BELIEF IN YOU I HAD...I MISS YOU...